913 4 eva!

portland rulz

2005-10-14T02:49:23Z

Damnit, if Lisa had to move away, she did a great job picking this city. She's in school right now, so I'm doing some wanderin'.
Here's my breakdown of Portland thus far.

Public Transportation: A-
Nice busdrivers, easy navigation, the high fair is the only cause for complaint.
Food: A+
To be fair, so far I've only eaten once, but that was at a delicious veggie sidewalk foodcart, where I devoured some blackbean and spinach quesadillas for 3.25. I also tried some of Lisa's falafal, which was also superb. Indian/Thai/Japanese foodcarts will soon be hit up, by me. Also, I fully expect after tomorrow's lunch at the largest Japanese seafood buffet in the country, this rating will get gradeschool. A+++++....
Citizens: A
This city is friendly! Granted, people have mainly only talked to me because they wanted something, but get this, so far I've traded a cigarette for a beer and the use of my cell phone for some candybars. I could live like a queen in this town.

Everything is clean, and the claim that Portland has more green space downtown than parking space has been validated. I just bought some pointless dumb shit and I bet I'm going to buy a lot more.

hey hey hey

2005-08-17T07:32:47Z

As if anything in the past year hasn't been enough to promote this online journal update, including my recent Eurovacation, I've found my motivation.
Browsing the pages on friends of friends I find a link. "I've dyed my hair pink!" it proudly proclaims, as I eagerly click, lured by candid photos of strangers. Only to find myself glaring at a screen-wide shot of neon pink pubes.
Thanks internet.

Oh, and I've moved to an adorable little cottage in the woods, 1208 New York if you'd like to stop by, I could heat up some Lean Pockets.
Audrey

well, its happened.

2004-12-16T04:51:04Z

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I'm sure you've all heard by now that Ronald and I've broken up. Its true, having a long-distance relationship with an alien is hard work...and you all tried to tell me. The fact of the matter is he had constant pizza Dorito breath and he gave bad head.

Oh and the swamp ass finally cleared up but I'll be darned if those aren't some pesky lice!

lamebutt @ 2004-07-18T13:56:00

2004-07-18T19:05:20Z

well, i'm still seeing that alien. yesterday we f'd in the b till i c all over his q.

i have a butt disease. it's called swamp ass.

my beaver's itchy. it's all puffy.

i got lice.

ron burgundy.

official announcement

2004-06-02T00:48:15Z

I am lonely. Livin' in a sweet downtown apartment ain't worth shit if you ain't got folks to hang all up in it with. That sentence construction was incredible. I have a feeling this summer I may regain that long lost sense of independence...I'll have to. Anyway, this is me saying you should call me at 913-481-1196 and then we should party!

lamebutt @ 2004-05-11T10:55:00

2004-05-11T16:00:31Z

Gee I am a fucking DORKATRON2000!!! i eat shit! i love the show sergeant bilko!! i have three nipples@!!! i'll fart spackles of meat into your mouth AND JERK OFF WHILE IM DOIN IT. PEE ON ME!!!!! I AM DATING AN ALIEN. i smoke virginia slims like a pussy.

Word to the wise

2004-04-18T07:27:23Z

Everyone enjoys the shit out of me.

omg!!!!

2004-04-15T17:05:10Z

If someone could help me out, I need to acquire the following before Friday.

1 Pretty pretty prom dress, preferably in pink.
20 dollars cash money
1 hottt date
2+ bottles of vino. the finest

These items may be dropped off at 1506 Lilac Lane.
Thankyou.

.......maaaaan.

i have trouble conveying

2004-03-30T05:06:24Z

How fantastic this break was.

I am now employed, by Rocky Mountain Old Tymey Chocolate Co. in Union Station. I'm satisfied with it as I spend my day dipping strawberries, bananas and various other objects in sweet goey chocolate. I work with a 44 year old balding fireman who talks about D&D, Whitesnake and butt sex a lot so thats pretty good I guess.
Kathleen has made me a list of summer objectives which I plan on accomplishing thoroughly. The way things have been going lately and the uncharacteristic luck I've been having give me hope that perhaps some things formerly unattainable are within my expanding grasp.

Man, what else. I had a delightful cooking day with Flannery creating sushi and quiche, which was later enjoyed and stuffed in a bookbag by James. Went and saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind twice and hope to again soon. Bought a nightie with a huge station wagon on it!!! Played MarioKart for the first time in too long and it got very intense, until I was utterly put to shame by one Mr. Miller.

Back at school. Ugh.

i'll option you.

2004-03-01T06:58:02Z

Turns out I did have an amazing time in Columbia. And I had an incredible week following thanks in full to that one good night. It didn't hurt that I saw Tripletts of Belleville with the exquisite Jaqobeeb, of whom my adoration is insatiable, or that I spent a glorious Friday exposing Anne to the finer things Kansas City has to offer, Kin Lin beancurd homestyle and YJ's aesthetic included.

But alas, these things must come to an end.
And today I was caught feeling not very human.
Not in a completely sweet way either, which I'm sure you of course assumed. No, just a depressing, "this is not really living".

your loss.

2004-02-20T07:03:19Z

Why do people not appreciate that I am a major fashion guru for all the big-name stars?
However, my expertise ends at the elbows. Do not even begin to ask me about wrist accessorization.

Its been a good few days. The weather is incredible and I've been trying my best to walk my brains out.
I'm looking forward to a fun time in Columbia. Lets make it happen.

SWF 18. BBB
ISO DTH

don't worry 'bout your body baby, we can leave your body behind

2004-02-11T07:51:45Z

Without question the most hellish, aggravating, confusing and draining day of my life.

But I could be no happier with my decision to go. Because it was also one of the more enlightening, affirming and loving experiences I've ever had.

Richie's mom said something to me that I hope with even my shitty memory I'll never forget. And the jest of it was that they'd tried really hard as parents to keep Richie from what God had always seen as his mission. They'd only found out Friday what that was, to truly touch so many people, but maybe Richie and God knew all along.

So when all you want to think is "senseless"...I don't know, if it helps Mrs. Restivo it'll work for me.

Lets live our lives better. So. So. much love.

the sweetest eggplant.

2004-01-27T03:20:30Z

A little cooking mishap, mistaking powdered sugar for flour resulted in the most dessert-like fried eggplant ever concocted. And for good reason, because it made us all sick.

Its treacherous outside!

help me out!

2004-01-15T02:54:53Z

I've been trying to conjure up some fun memories of this past year, to reflect a bit and offer up my overall rating of 2003. Problem is, my memory is such shit that provided I can even remember something I can't decide if these events happened this past year or further back.
So my plea to you is, reader of this livejournal, if you can recall anything slightly amusing that I took part in during 2003...tell me! I'll write it down maybe.
Or you could just blatantly lie, it won't take much convincing for me to believe you.

she'll surpass my cool in a few short years.

2004-01-02T22:23:21Z

I love my sister. Sheesh. What a crazy bitch.

She gave her friend a framed picture of frying meat for her birthday, just an elaborate gold frame filled with a photo of some nasty ass hamburgers in a pan. Its really hilarious, and I wish I'd thought of that.

Another reason for Kathy worship: her writing. Flannery can testify. I'll give you guys a little taste.

Cripple
By Kathy Lauber

“This boy’s spine has been crushed!”
“He is going to need an IV.”
“It’s OK Michael, I’m here.” As I listen to the voices of the paramedics and my mother while lying here in this ambulance, I think about how it was before the car crash.
I was mean, too mean for my own good. Especially to this one kid, Steve Gruben. He was in a wheelchair, and I knew I would end up just like him. “Get out of the way cripple,” is one of the common things I would say to him. Now that I think of myself saying those things, it makes me feel stupid and shallow.
After four months of physical therapy, I am in a wheelchair and it is time to go to school. The next day I looked around for Steve, but I couldn’t find him. I went up to Mrs. Saunders and asked her where he was. “Well he is right over there silly,” she said. I turned around and saw Steve, but no wheelchair. I gave Mrs. Saunders a puzzled look. “Oh, right, you don’t know do you?” she said. “Modern technology, it is amazing what they can do. Apparently they replaced his spine with some metal rods or something. Quite amazing.”
I ran into Steve in the hall. “Who’s the cripple now?” he said. It sucks even worse when you hear that from this end. At school everybody was looking at me like I was some kind of freakazoid. Knowing that I would be like this for the rest of my life made me crazy with jealousy at Steve.
The next few weeks were as horrible as the ones before them. But the next day had to be the worst. Steve came back to school in a wheelchair again. I found out later that Steve’s spine rods collapsed, and that the doctors wouldn’t replace them because it would ruin his brain.
Steve came up to me in passing period and apologized. “I guess we were meant to be this way,” Steve said to me. From then on we were the best of friends.
Before my dad died, he used to tell me this old saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” Just because Steve was in a wheelchair doesn’t mean he was a bad person. I understand what that phrase means now, and it’s a lesson that haunts me to this day.

Don't tell me this kid doesn't have something.

why is life so unfair?

2003-12-31T05:10:30Z

Why can't a super rad New Year's Eve outfit just appear in my closet? One that will make all the fellas go "that ass is like whoa" and make all the ladies jelis. Jel-is. I want diamonds and fur.

Took the little sibling to Pewep tonight, that was well and good. Kathy's first two shows have been Soophie Nun Squad and this...a much sweeter start than I ever had.

This year has been exruciatingly long. I'm trying to remember things that happened in May or even August and it seems like forever ago. It feels like its been years since I worked at HyVee. So, I'm glad its over. RIP '03.

Now lets get WaAaaaaASssTed!

that there's a fancy shmancy plate of salad.

2003-12-24T08:09:49Z

So it still doesn't feel like Christmas.

Tonight was needed, Mary and I frequented the culinary darling of all ugly sweater-wearing-over-40-Brooksiders, Aixois. And it was worth it. Good times. I was jealous of all the presents she was wrapping and the cuteness with which it was accomplished. That kid is something else.
I'm waiting until after Christmas, to take back my gifts and then use the money to buy things for other people.
I know, am I just a saint or what?!?

In other news, I'm so excited for New Years Eve. I'm banking the fun of this entire break on one night, so it better be amazing. I can't anticipate that it won't be, Pewep. Need I say more? I wish Lawrence kids could witness this, and ma pauvre Rachel.

I need a new image, whatever the fuck that means.

stockings were hung on the mirror with care.

2003-12-17T23:08:00Z

Could I be any more excited!?!
Lord of the Rings, Return of the King, within the next 48 hours. Lets do it. Marathon style.

Promises of a delicious Gojo meal within the next week. Steak and shrimp. Extra green sauce, extra rice, extra everything.

No job, no school, no commitments, no obligation, no stress. A month.
Christmas in Kansas City, ahhh.

skip skip skip on by

2003-12-15T23:40:15Z

I think I may be getting sick. My throat is hurty. Last night was filled with dreams too crunked to be explained. I just had a thought today, a thought that would be entirely impossible but nonetheless amazing.

What if some scientists, very good at science, invented a camera that could record your dreams?!?! And then we'd sit around watching everyone elses dreams all day. It would fucking revolutionize media, and it would make everyone and everything in the world seem insane.

I can't wait to give gifts, I wish they were better.

Thats the thought for the day, oh and listen to Skip James.

"nothing will come of it. rest assured."

2003-12-10T21:34:58Z

I know Lopakhin, I know.

The forest was cut down long ago, but at least Cherry wood makes for good kindling.

And so everything is right in the world, where "performance art" translates into "you" and "it always just disappoints" were never truer words spoken.

"someday" will never be anything but good.

2003-12-05T00:56:19Z

Too many Paul Schulberg's this lifetime. Dismiss it before it has a chance. Yeah. hatred. Thats it. Or say its pointless, and that you wouldn't know how to handle it. How do you deal with another if you can't keep yourself stable. You can't expect him to know, and you can't attempt to get him savvy. But it was just like in Shakespeare or some shit. Because I am insane. Because you can't expect anyone else to actualize the scenes you fantasize. Tell me everything applies to me.

Pile another onto the pyre. Only the ashes will quell the fire.

midnight vultures

2003-12-01T00:02:15Z

I may go work in Iowa over the summer in an ice cream factory. I need back-breaking mindless menial labor. If only for the experience. Thanksgiving break was mostly good. I played a lot of marbles.
I heart Kansas City, how many times can I say that. It is probably luck that I didn't end up working at Cabela's. That would have been everything but fun.

I need Andre 3000 and some apple pie sorbet.

he's an outlaw he is.

2003-11-23T04:06:10Z

Raising Arizona and Rushmore twice in one day have to mean things are looking up. Scantilly clad boys and turkey feast with Jerald tomorrow signal awesome.

I was going to write a haiku but the muse eludes me.

i'm not clever.

2003-11-09T22:36:40Z

I am just...sad. God damnit. Honestly. here is my day to day schedule. Sleep atleast nine hours at night, take a two hour nap during the day. Fully conscientious of the redflags. Between those hours try and find some alone time where I can cry by myself. I need a best friend here really, really badly. I feel so incredibly juvenile but all I want to do is be back at my own house with my family who know everything that I am. I'm not letting people know me. Which in turn, makes me bemoan the fact that no one here knows me.
What the bastard is my damnage. HUMANS ARE NOT MEANT TO LIVE IN BOXES. My space is so miniscule and its driving me crazy. I want to not be so frightened of my future. I want to know my goals and have some idea of how to pursue them in a concrete way. I want to be confident that everything I dream about is not just that. I want soft skin and better hair. holy christ i need affection more than anything.
i don't just want to makeout for the sake of makingout. fuck. hug me. Hey audrey, get serious.

this is disgusting indulgence.
livejournal at its worst.

when i want you, all i have to do.

2003-11-04T22:58:25Z

I've been having increasingly odd dream states, and last night was just downright jarring. I know I could never explain it in a way that was sufficient, but here's what went down. Keep in mind this dream happens extremely quickly and realistically.

I'm in a car with my entire family, and we're parked in a very slender alley, dark and with old decrepit buildings on either side. A guy comes running up and stops beside us, frantically shoving money into his side pockets...obviously he's trying to elude arrest for the crime he's just committed. So I'm staring at him and he pulls out a gun and I hear a shot and my entire body tenses up.

This is when things fuck me up. Because when this happened, I kind of woke up, and my feet had been resting on top of eachother, so they were asleep, and my entire body felt like it had a lot of pressure pushing down on it. It kind of gave the feeling of blood draining. Then all up and down my spine there was a tingling odd sensation that I've never felt before in my life. Also, in this half-awake state I hear sirens, presumably coming to either capture the man or rescue me. Then I fully wake up, realize I'm not actually dead-BUT THE SIRENS ARE REAL.

Needless to say, what the shit?!